I grew up in a teeny town surrounded by other teeny towns. The closest true shopping mecca was over an hour's drive away. My parents, never to be confused for soccer mom and dad, didn't believe in transporting me more than five miles in any direction, so The Mall was a shimmering enigma in my mind, the Emerald City where my better-dressed friends shopped with their better-dressed moms, leaving me to my hand-me-downs and ragamuffin identity.
Now I live in the midst of what my dad would call The Vast Retail Wasteland. Not only is my apartment within two miles of a mall, but I can drive a couple of extra miles and have my pick of several malls and shopping centers. I don't shop much, and I still have a lingering ragamuffin complex, but I've come to appreciate malls for reasons that go beyond the material--malls are an excellent place to bump watch!
Is it a rule that all pregnant women must get a regular dose of the mall? Is retail therapy a secret prenatal vitamin? Saturdays are especially intense. More shoppers equals more bumps, more squirmy recent deliveries, more toddling tots in overalls and baby Pumas. I'm seated in the food court, and I'm in heaven--they're everywhere! Occasionally, I spot a Doting Dad. He tosses a cloth over his shoulder and burps Baby while Mom is ordering burgers and fries. Dad looks relaxed and even skillful. I give him some credit on the condition that he's not just putting on a show for shopping strangers.
My boyfriend, who's patient and helpful when I'm on a shopping mission, steers me away from the maternity clothing. He'll walk with me through labyrinths called Juniors, Misses and Intimates, but he draws the line at the bump zone. "I just want to look--please?" He doesn't even humor me with a verbal response. I'm almost relieved. I mean, c'mon--perusing the bump wear at the mall? That's ridiculous. No, it's downright pitiful! The word "pitiful" has barely cleared my mind before I'm turning my head at an unsafe angle to follow a red bump that just sidled by. There may be no hope for me.
